09.28.07
Posted in Family, Homeschooling, Kids, Parenting at 4:57 pm by Christina
Camp Poomee is my kids’ weekly day with their grandparents (Jeff’s folks) who live in the next town to us. This day – Friday right now – is one of the single greatest contributors to my mental health, since as a homeschooling parent I am with my kids almost all the time. Some days I wish my own parents lived in the next town so I could have two days a week! But then I remember that my parents contribute to this by having the kids for extended periods of time; the girls have been traveling up to Spokane for week-long visits for a couple of years now, and they usually go twice a year. So that gives me longer stretches of down time, which I usually use to do ridiculous things like juice fasting or insane household projects.
Jamie just turned two ten days ago, and for various reasons he has started going to Camp Poomee for a couple of hours in the morning on Fridays. The biggest reason we started it now is because Emma needs the time. Emma is a middle child. In and of itself I don’t think that predicts our behavior as parents, but right now she is a mild child sandwiched between two siblings with pretty high needs. This hasn’t always been the case, but Katie is entering adolescence, and Jamie is a toddler, so what more needs to be said? 
In any event, I guess we have done right by our kids in terms of nurturing their emotional intelligence, because Emma was able to come right out and tell us that she needs more of our time and attention, that she has been getting lost amid the hysterics and diaper changes.
So we arranged with Jeff’s parents for Jamie to start have a couple of hours on Friday mornings. Katie brings her academics and works in the study; Emma and I (or this morning, Jeff took a turn) go off to have some dedicated time together. And Jamie gets to do stuff like this: Jamie at Camp Poomee
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05.25.07
Posted in Homeschooling, Kids, Parenting at 1:55 pm by Christina
Jeff and I were just talking about a change that will likely happen in our family in the next few months: a computer for Katie. She is doing and will be doing a lot of writing, and she is learning typing to be able to do even more of it herself. (Right now, she writes her original draft longhand; then I type it in (with spellcheck turned off) and she works from printed drafts after that.) In addition to word processing, I would like her to begin learning other tools, such as spreadsheets, databases, photo software (they have a digital camera). She already has an emaill account, although she doesn’t use it much (and it is just email, not a big service provider like AOL), and she understands the WWW as well, using it to request library books, do some fan-type things (Harry Potter, Warriors, Star Wars, etc.), as well as basic research (dictionary, encyclopedia, etc.).
I’m concerned about two aspects of this change, which will likely be a very simple and hopefully free laptop (hey, lots of people have old laptops and my dad is great at refurbishing computers for reuse):
1. It inevitably aggravates Emma. This is frankly one of the hardest things for me to deal with as a parent. I generally try to be very matter-of-fact about it: Emma is 3.5 years younger than Katie and her life is less advanced as a result. I generally refer to the daily responsibility sheets that we use, where Katie has 11 items (including 3 academic tasks), and Emma has only 7. (These are their ages and an additional item is added each year at birthday time.) I will say something like, “Receiving a laptop for academics is something that goes along with being 11; it’s a tool for those responsibilities, and when you have those responsibilities you’ll get a laptop for your work, too.” I’m comfortable with my response and with our approach in this matter (some families give identical things to all children, all the time), but that doesn’t make dealing with the grumpies any easier.
2. A much bigger concern is the issue of internet safety. Right now, the available computers have owners (Jeff and I). If the kids want to use them, they ask permission to do so, and we require knowledge of what they will be doing (e.g., watching Potter Puppet Pals on YouTube). If what they want to do requires more freedom to travel the ‘net (like searching for something), then we are able to provide more active supervision of the process. I have heard it said that nasty stuff is never more than a click or two away.
Frankly, though, I’m less concerned about nasty stuff, which I can always have an open discussion about, than I am about the free-for-all communities that are accessible to kids and worse, targeted at kids. I haven’t done any research about this, so I really don’t know the rates, although I’m sure they are sensationalized by the media. I’ve been thinking about it, though, because in the last week a 16yo girl in the CA homeschooling community apparently voluntarily left her home to go live with a person (presumed adult) who was a total stranger to her family, and known to her only through the internet.
I don’t want to detract from the value of ‘net-based social communities. I am very active in these, especially through homeschooling, and I meet strangers whom I only know through the ‘net on a regular basis at homeschooling events. When I was pre- and post-Katie, I was very active on homebirth issues and through participation on an AOL discussion board on the topic (a debate board, not a support board), I became good friends with more than a dozen women around the country. We started a private loop of our own just before I became pregnant with Emma (that’s more than eight years ago). Since then my family has met many of the women, sometimes travelling specifically to see them, sometimes making a side trip from a place we are at for other reasons. I have stayed in their homes, cooked meals with them, supported them and been supported by them through difficult times. And yes, been burned, too, perhaps – one of the original members left in a huff for some reason I don’t remember, and claimed at her departure that she hadn’t really had a desperate financial situation that I and a couple of the other better-off had sent money for. Could’ve just been part of the spiteful departure, though; I’ll never know, and I’d rather be a person who expects trustworthiness than one who is always suspicious.
Still, I think children and even (or perhaps especially) adolescents just don’t have the experience or the wisdom to be tossed into this ocean. Of course, lots of adults don’t either, but at least there’s a chance, right? Adults generally are able to protect their safety, for example by meeting an internet acquaintance in a safe space. Most of us are able to protect the vulnerable spots; I think children generally don’t even realize that they have vulnerable spots! I have not taught my children to be afraid of strangers, but rather to recognize situations when they are less than safe. My instinct tells me that much of the internet is “less than safe” for kids, and that if you let them explore without direct and active supervision, it’s too dangerous. (The family whose 16yo disappeared had a program called BeSafe installed on her computer.) A person you “meet” via the internet, you have very little way of verifying any of their data, because you cannot see them. It’s like those identity theft advertisements, where a grey-haired lady is speaking in a booming baritone about Tupac.
I expect that Katie’s laptop will not have internet capabilities. Instead, she will still use my computer when she needs to be online. And I’m really happy that her email is not through a full-package service; it’s just email, and it’s not public, so that feels pretty safe.
What I think is important to remember is that the internet is a tool and not a toy. And people (adults included) shouldn’t use tools unless they know how to use them safely.
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05.20.07
Posted in Homeschooling, Household, Kids, Parenting, Travel at 11:52 pm by Christina
Katie (11) and Emma (7) left yesterday to spend the week in Spokane with their grandparents (my parents). [Sidebar: also traveling as an "unaccompanied minor" with them was a 10yo girl returning home to the Spokane area from her grandparents in San Jose - and she was also a homeschooler! Not too big a surprise when I think of it, because of course non-homeschoolers are in school right now...]
Today, therefore, it was just myself, Jeff and Jamie in the house. We got up at 7:30 and moved into the daytime routines – but amazingly, every time we looked at the clock it was incredibly early! At 9:30 I had already cycled two loads of laundry, done the dishwasher, eaten, and done my morning computer stuff, plus all of Jamie’s morning needs and activities, and I had already moved onto a large household project! All told, today I did six loads of laundry (swim and bath towels needed doing, plus diapers and diaper covers in addition to clothing), emptied/loaded/emptied the dishwasher, straightened the kitchen and living room, vacuumed and swept, went to the library, did a juice fast grocery trip, spent two hours on a moving boxes project, read an Agatha Christie book, cooked dinner, cleaned my desk, and paid bills. I also spent a lot more “on” time with Jamie (presumably meeting needs that the girls generally fill with their active or passive presence).
I have to say that I consider Katie and Emma to be very self-sufficient. They take care of their own breakfasts and lunches, they do a significant amount of housework (maybe 1hr each day), they play with or supervise Jamie at key times of the day, and so on. Katie does much of her academics independently as well. And yet it was very clear today that the work of parenting (and in our family, the work of homeschooling) takes up a large amount of time and energy each day. To experience the difference was impressive!
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05.04.07
Posted in Health, Kids, Parenting, Pumping at 5:28 pm by Christina
I took Jamie in for a check-up a couple of weeks ago. This is not something I would normally do given that we do not vaccinate the kids; there’s not as much reason for it when they are healthy. However, I did want to meet with Dr. Lloyd to discuss my observation of some breathing obstruction (not apnea, which is breathing stoppage); Jamie frequently seems to be breathing through saliva, and when he had a mild cold this winter he couldn’t nurse at the bottle and breathe simultaneously. Knowing that there was/is some kind of congenital malformation of his oral physiology that prevented him from breastfeeding successfully (and at this point he is still incapable of saying /g/ or /k/), I wanted to discuss possibilities with the pediatrician.
Jamie is recovering quite well from his “failure to thrive” diagnosis deriving from his inability to extract milk from the breast despite our best efforts. At 18 months, he now weighs 27lb 6oz (64%ile), is 33.5in (72%ile) and his head circumference is 49.25 (cm I think) (83%ile). At his diagnosis at 4m, he was below the 5%ile in weight and height and about 35%ile in head circumference. (He was well in the 90%iles at birth.)
We are not seeing any evidence at all of developmental delays deriving from his diagnosis; indeed, Dr. Lloyd told us at the time that babies are very resilient, and that since we had only just started to notice temperamental changes (which contributed in part I guess to our choice to make an appointment at that time) we shouldn’t worry about any permanent impact – damage – from the problem. Jamie is ahead of the game developmentally just about across the board; he has been doing all the gross and fine motor skills of this age for 3-4 months now, his vocabulary is very large, etc.
The big dilemma now is what to do about the bottles and the milk. “Absolutely no more bottle!” is bolded on the information sheet, and Dr. Lloyd was frank with us about the concerns of overconsumption of milk (anemia). Jamie’s situation is mitigated somewhat by the fact that he drinks goat’s milk and not cow’s (which irritates the intestines and causes microscopic bleeding that contributes to the anemia issue). Dr. Lloyd did not see any current evidence of anemia. Jamie had his first appointment at the dentist the next day, and Dr. Rabbach told us his teeth are strong and clean; he didn’t mention anything about bottles, though it’s possible he remembers us as a breastfeeding family as this came up regarding Emma. Paperwork at the dentist’s office said that thumb sucking and pacifier use were not concerns until 4.
Although it was clear that we needed to supplement with goat’s milk formula and with bottles, we have worked hard to maintain as much of a breastfeeding relationship as we can, both when I was pumping and now that we have stopped. Except for the rare times when we are in the car at naptime or bedtime, Jamie is held and rocked, mostly by me, when he is having a bottle. He has gotten milk “on demand” just as I would do if nursing him; we continue to cosleep, and I wake up for night feedings in bed just as I did with the girls. I had started down the path to night-weaning a couple of months ago, again as I did with the girls, taking the opportunity to soothe him back to sleep with alternate methods the first time he wakes and stretching his sleep blocks in this way. We have not used the bottles for soothing as we used the breast with the girls, primarily because there is no regulating the milk supply of a bottle – it always provides food with no delay for “let down”. (I’m talking about when there is a lengthy upset caused by injury, etc.)
I do have an instinct about how to proceed; I want to let him have the suckling for as long as possible, preferably until it is clear that he is ready for weaning. (The girls both nursed until past their 4th birthdays.) There would have to be serious dental concerns for me to want to stop sooner; orthodontia is standard practice for middle class kids nowadays anyway, and he doesn’t fall asleep with milk pooling from the bottle, because I’m on the other end of the bottle and I put it away and make sure he swallows when we’re done.
Emma needs to see the dentist again to have a couple of sealants reapplied. I plan to discuss my concerns frankly with Dr. Rabbach at that time, especially regarding the pacifier and thumb issue. It’s possible a switch to a different nipple will reduce orthodontic concerns (we use the Avent nipple now), but if Jamie doesn’t take to that I don’t think I’ll force it.
My guilt over the entire “failure to thrive” situation is much dissipated after more than a year, but I still ask myself the “what if” questions when the issue gets more in my face, as with this bottle situation. And although we are basically happy and healthy and able to parent from the same set of values, it can still make me very sad that we were denied the peaceful breastfeeding relationship every baby (and mother) deserves.
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04.26.07
Posted in Commentary, Food, Homeschooling, Kids, Parenting at 8:29 am by Christina
I was listening to NPR on the road yesterday, and there was a segment on educational software in schools. Apparently a study recently released showed no impact on test scores in schools that implement such software.
The topic itself didn’t interest me overmuch, but I was stunned by the repeated emphasis place on one concept: performance. How kids are performing on the tests, shouldn’t the software help kids perform better, and so forth.
Hey educrats – are these kids, or are they circus seals? Do you merely want them to be able to hold balls on their noses until you toss them a kipper?
How stupid of me. Of course you do. They’re easier to manage that way. So help them perform well in the short term, on these tests in school, and in the long term, as a malleable populace.
All I know is, this is why I homeschool. I want my children to learn. I want them to understand and seek joy. I want them to have the fortitude to recognize and follow their own unique path. And when they’re performing, I want them to understand that they have an audience of one – themselves.
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04.19.07
Posted in Books, Parenting, Reviews at 1:26 am by Christina
Buddha Never Raised Kids & Jesus Didn’t Drive Carpool: Seven Principles for Parenting with Soul
by Vickie Falcone
I added this book to my queue after coming across its very interesting title at The Learning Umbrella. Frankly the title is almost meaningless to the book itself, although it is nice and catchy and I’m sure draws susceptible folks like myself in. Fortunately, it was a good book despite the red herring; the subtitle is the heart. I spent the last couple of evenings outlining the book into a Word file for myself so that I would be able to refer to it in the future. (This is also an essential aspect of my learning; I took copious notes as a formal student, though after I take them I don’t need to review them much. Just the act of writing helps cement my memory…)
So you want to parent with soul? Falcone doesn’t mean James Brown, so don’t get your hopes up; still, her goal is to enable you to parent in the state of “I Feel Good!” If you’re looking for advice and recommendations about how to toilet-train your child or get them to eat vegetables, look elsewhere. This book is about the big picture of parenting; it’s about how to parent your child in any and every situation, and still be able to look them – and perhaps more importantly, yourself – in the eye in the morning.
Some of the basic concepts will be familiar to proponents of attachment parenting and other nonviolent parenting philosophies. The theme of connection threads through several (if not all) of the principles. #1 is actually called “Connect”, and it refers primarily to connecting with your child, but also with yourself. #2 is about connecting with your intuition; for my tastes, the author goes too far into the realm of paranormal phenomena (psychic behavior, signs from the universe), but enough of it is grounded in true intution and learning to understand and trust it.
(By “true intuition” I mean cerebral processes that happen so fast we don’t understand how we derived the conclusion. Many people distrust their intuitive conclusions because they can’t parse the rational sequence. It’s a shame to waste good brain work just because we can’t keep up with it, and in some situations it can be downright dangerous, as when we don’t feel safe in a situation but don’t know why. See Gavin De Becker’s The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift for two excellent books on this topic; I also recommend Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking.)
Three further principles include live in integrity, infuse your life with peace, and transform your life with gratitude. They might be named connect with yourself, connect with reality, and connect with others! The final two principles, which might be a little tough to chew on for those who don’t feel resonance with spiritual/self-help language, are become a conscious creator, and create abundance. Setting aside the fuzzy lingo, these two are based on a fundamental truth: life is what we make of it. (In other words, if you choose to complain a lot, you could be as rich as Midas and as fortunate as I don’t know who, and you’ll still be miserable; and conversely, you could be living in abject poverty and suffer terrible traumas, but look for silver linings and wear a smile and be essentially happy.)
Some key discussions and techniques that I made special note of:
PHIL- Children, and indeed all people, need to feel Powerful, Heard, Important and Loved. These don’t mean you assist your offspring in becoming little Napoleons. Rather, they emphasize the value in treating your child as a person distinct and separate from you, with all the agency and individuality thereupon. Power doesn’t mean permissiveness; hearing doesn’t imply agreeing. Important means you value them; love requires unconditionality. When a child misbehaves, if their physical needs are satisfied (not sick, tired, hungry, uncomfortable, etc.), look for an empty tank in one or more of these PHIL areas.
Breathe- How many books and seminars in the world of personal growth recommend this technique? I’d venture to guess at least 3/4 of them! It’s not all pseudoscientific hooey, you know. Deep, relaxed, focused breathing has actual physiological impacts on the levels of stress in our bodies. I use this one with my kids, but not enough with myself.
Change process- The naming of four steps for change was particularly enlightening. 1: Unconscious incompetence; you don’t know what you don’t know. 2: Conscious incompetence; you know what you don’t know. 3: Conscious competence; you know what you know. 4: Unconscious competence; you don’t know what you know. The goal is to become aware, to learn, but also to have the knowledge become second nature.
Come here, not go there- This one fascinated me. So often we give our children commands to “go there” and do something, alone and without support. When the task is something the child has some internal issues with, they will balk and a power struggle inevitably begins. “Come here” gives the child a connection with the parent, their mentor, and a feeling of security in which to open up to those internal issues. And the connection grounds the child for overall better behavior.
Put connection before logistics- This is a hard one, and yet in my own experience and what I always hear from others, any and every power struggle is deflated when the parent takes the time to give the “misbehaving” child the connection they are asking for. How many of us have had this experience: Monday’s bedtime takes two hours because the child comes out, we send them back in, ad infinitem, with tempers rising all the while. Tuesday’s bedtime starts off the same way, but something in us on Tuesday shifts after fifteen or twenty minutes; we snuggle with the child for ten minutes and they glide right off to sleep. Sound familiar? It’s often called “caving in”, and yet all we really did was respond to a need the child was having to be refilled on connection with us. The younger a child is, the less they grasp the concept of delayed gratification; if they need a connection with you, they need it now and at the expense of all else. As Falcone says, logistics are always made easier when we put connection first, because the child will then be in a place to behave as we desire them to.
Parenting with soul means that when your fledgling child leaves the nest, you don’t go home and destroy yourself with shoulda-coulda-woulda and if-only. You go home content with yourself that although you weren’t perfect (because nobody is!), you parented in a way that made things better, for your child and for yourself. This was a good, informative and reinforcing book, balanced in philosophy and technique, and I recommend it to anyone who is aware or wants to become aware of the bigger picture in which we parent our children.
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04.03.07
Posted in Music, Parenting, Singing at 2:05 pm by Christina
I forgot to share something that happened at the concerts! Jeff, the kids and my parents came to the show on Saturday night. As I came out of the wings in the second half for Mockingbird, Jamie piped up quite loudly with “Mama!” The whole crowd sighed, “Awwwwww!” I waved up at him, and the conductor asked, “Was that for real?” as if it were someone else’s kid saying “Mama” to me. (He doesn’t have any kids himself and doesn’t plan to that I know of, he’s over 50 and has girlfriends rather than wives.) Anyway, it was very very sweet 
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03.15.07
Posted in Books, Homeschooling, Kids, Money, Parenting, Reviews at 2:26 pm by Christina
I saw this book mentioned somewhere online – a blog I think, and not an article. I really must start keeping track of where I collect book recommendations, because I would like to be able to link back to the one who inspired me. I think I saw this at one of the HomeschoolJournal.net blogs.
Raising Financially Fit Kids is an amazing book! Joline Godfrey organizes her presentation into four age groups of childhood where the different developmental milestones make different financial lessons and experiences appropriate. These groups start at age 5 or so, basically at the time when the mathematical and other developmental areas have progressed to a point where the most basic understanding of finance can be accomplished. 5-8 is “I’m Just a Kid”; 9-12 is “Encouraging Passions”; 13-15 is “Breaking Away”; and 16-18 is “Standing Tall”.
Across these four groups, Godfrey both challenges and encourages parents to work on developmentally-targeted aspects of the Ten Basic Money Skills:
How to save
How to keep track of money
How to get paid what you are worth
How to spend wisely
How to talk about money
How to live a budget [sic]
How to invest
How to exercise the entrepreneurial spirit
How to handle credit
How to use money to change the world
All of the money skills are addressed in each phase, with mentoring, lessons, and especially with fun activities: the traditional lemonade stand, for example, but also a “Financial Film Festival”; a money book club; a scavenger hunt where each team is given play money with the goal of spending the least to “collect” the items on the list (at a mall); an investment club; and so forth. Details are provided for all of the activities.
I especially liked how the author addressed the issue of allowance. In essence, she argues that allowance is a tool for learning financial skills. It’s not a payment for services, a boon from the family coffers, or a bribe for good behavior. Like all tools, there are rules for safe operation, and varying levels of supervision as well. The guidance she offers for providing an allowance is quite helpful.
Further information provided includes: discussions of different types of money personalities (hoarder, spender, etc.); a chapter on money and gender (both genders!); a chapter with additional guidance for extremely affluent families; and though hopefully I won’t need it, a chapter on what to do if you have an adult child who isn’t yet financially responsible. (Actually, the author offers advice throughout the book on adapting the material when you are starting with an older child, who is already past one or more of the developmental stages.)
All in all, an excellent book, with straightforward dealing on the many complications of personal finance. I’ve added this one to my list of “books to acquire” during Borders’ Educator Days at the end of the month.
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Posted in Articles, Books, Kids, Parenting at 10:04 am by Christina
This New York Magazine article came to me via my brother-in-law Tom at Not in Kansas Anymore, who got it from The Philosopher Dad. A body of research, including a ten-year study recently completed by Columbia psychologist Carol Dweck which followed students in the New York City public schools, has demonstrated that praise not only doesn’t lead to positive things, it actually leads to negative ones.
Kids take praise in a very literal, defining way; they assimilate the object of the praise as a centerpiece of their self-understanding. In particular, Dweck’s research focused on issues of intellect (reasonable since she was working in the education system). When a child is praised for intelligence, being smart becomes central. And unfortunately, since this sets up intelligence as a fact rather than as a process, the child starts to exhibit such behavior as avoiding work that doesn’t come easily (because they’re “smart” and anything of value must come easily). The kids who were praised for their effort also took that to heart, but because effort is controlled by the child, they could take that and run with it for continued success, even in challenging situations.
This article failed to mention one of the cornerstones of “no praise” research, if I can call it that, which is that praise short-circuits motivation for effort and success by taking it out of the child (or person in general) and moving it to an external praise-giver. Praise is an act of judgment, and it violates the internal judgment processes of the individual. If a parent says, “Good job!” about some effort, it hinders the ability of the child to decide that for themselves. (What if they thought it was a bad job?) Alfie Kohn has been at the forefront of this movement for more than two decades, and his books and articles are a valuable resource for parents wanting to nurture and mentor their children without interrupting their psychoemotional growth.
Following his recommendations, our approach to issues of praise is to focus on concrete statements of fact and reality: “You used a lot of purple in your picture.” Alternatively, focus on specific parental feelings relating to the behavior (not the child), rather than general pride: “I appreciate that you put away the dishes.” I highly recommend his books!
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03.12.07
Posted in Kids, Parenting at 8:20 pm by Christina
Tonight, Jeff and Emma took the train in to see the Warriors (presumably to see them get totally whipped by the Mavericks!). (Katie gets her game in two weeks.) Amazingly, even though I still have toddler Jamie, just having that difference from three down to two kids is like having a vacation or something! The three of us ran a couple of errands – to the library and to Office Depot for lots of index cards (more on that in another post) – and then swung into Jamba Juice for a take-home dinner. (Lots of people think we’re a bit odd because we’re content to drink our dinner; actually it’s one of our favorite hot-weather meals, and it was almost 80 today…)
:::lot of parentheticals in that paragraph:::
Now we’re peacefully hanging out. Katie is reading Ranger Rick; Jamie is sitting on the dining table next to me while I write. He’s started coloring this week, and is scribbling all over paper right now. Occasionally the table too, but it’s a working table and that doesn’t matter so much. In a little bit we’ll head upstairs for a bath and then bedtime. Jamie is the first of my three kids who actually asks for a bath. We never got into the place of feeling a bath was necessary each night for cleanliness; lots of people use it just as part of the nighttime routine for their kids (like for my niece), but I’m not sure if that’s also for cleaning. Unless Jamie got noticeably dirty, his bath is just for play. In fact – I may have mentioned this before – he mostly enjoys standing in the tub, playing with the water from the faucet, so we put jut a bit of water in the tub and then leave the faucet trickling for him. He can change the knobs though so we have to watch carefully that he doesn’t do that and alter the temperature!
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